Female Viagra

Did you hear that they finally invented the female Viagra?
It’s called ConVer-Sation.

It’s a little problematic though, in that only men can administer it. Men have immediate access to an unlimited supply, and although timing and dosage is critical, misdiagnosis is acceptable and, in early test cases, even expected. Most attempts yield satisfactory results.

When to use:
Ideally administered while a woman is experiencing a verbal and emotional gushing. Other applications include while being verbally attacked or nagged, and/or any passive-aggressive activities. Still to be approved for wide-spread use is a randomly generated dose during waking hours.

How to use:
Men must use their ears for their intended purpose and during moments of silence (clue: she inserts a breath) repeat variations of the following phrases with genuine tenderness and/or interest:
“Honey, you’re so right.” “Uh-huh.” “That was a great/smart/brilliant choice.” “And how’d you feel about that?” “Tell me more.” “Oh wow!” “What happened next?” “You know so much.” “Yes.” “That’s crazy.” “You are amazing.” Etc.

Side effects vary from woman to woman and may include: unnecessary smiling, twinkle in the eye, loud laughter, bedroom eyes, weight loss, weight gain, feelings of safety, allergic reaction to the remote control, memory loss of grudges and honey-do lists, general loss of frustration, anger and agitation, aversion to asking men unnecessary questions, peaceful afternoons, adventurous bedroom behavior, adventurous not-in-the-bedroom behavior, increased libido, strengthening of the hand muscles, sudden ability to relax throat muscles, swelling of the vulva, increased moisture of the vulva, willingness to leave the house during 8 hours of Sunday sports, bragging to other women, unnecessary daydreaming, peace of mind, and a general decrease in nagging, bitching and controlling behaviors.

©2010 www.FengShuiDominatrix.com

Room can’t stay Clean

No need to get anyone in trouble…

•    Housemates buggin? Offspring close to death? Everyone gets their own bag or box or tabletop or hook near the front door to catch the crap. Bonus: If they pick their own, no one calls you SS.
•    If a temporary project has no end in sight, take a hint. (Looks like you need an office, workspace, tool bench, bigger kitchen, publishing house, whatever.)
•    If there is no end in sight that’s cool, too. Just recreate a new DES elsewhere: counter, bar, that weird sorta room piggy-backing the kitchen gwamma calls a breakfast nook, sit on pillows at the coffee table in the LR.
•    Questions? Send me a photo and I’ll respond like a grown-up.

Temporary (Room) Adjustment

If you must use the dining room – or any room – for a temporary work-study-project-thing, you must also do one or more of the following:
•    Cover the table with a tablecloth, sheet, blanket or other kind of protection. A table sized condom? If you must.
•    You must create or find another dedicated place to eat in the meantime.
•    Keep stuff in clearly labeled baskets, boxes or bags – easy to clean up or throw out when you’re done.
•    Give your project an expiration date. Knowing when it’s going to end might just save someone’s sanity.

Dining Room pt. 1

before DR

Dining room in Feng Shui disaster mode. WTF?!

Let’s count all the shit that sucks about this Dining Room (To play, you may need to translate your own “Dining Room” into “Dedicated Eating Space,” such as a counter top, tray, etc.):
1.    It’s used for more than dining.
2.    The food remnants are nauseating.
3.    Watching TV while you eat – every meal – is rude and selfish.
4.    The bugs have been named.
5.    Put the garage stuff in the garage, the office stuff in the office, trash in the trash.
6.    Hang up the coat.
7.    Put the porno in the… well, don’t put it anywhere else if the articles are great.
8.    If you really have TUMS within reach of where you eat, you’re not eating right. See a nutritionist. Go on a diet. Take care of yourself for chrissake.

Here’s the thing about dining rooms, you totally have my blessing that this dining room is used for more than just dining. Honestly, my kitchen is used for more than just cooking. However, that’s its primary function. Dining rooms are an archeological relic in this culture. Grab your pilth and trash bag and go to work.
You see, setting the table and savoring a dedicated meal is some of the best foreplay women have: Eye contact, conversation, good food, good wine and time. She feels that you’re dedicated to her happiness, and she wants to reciprocate time dedicated to your happiness. Or whatever you call sex.

Mange!

Sexy Doctor’s Office

I was at the doctor’s office today. No, it’s not contagious. It never was. Fine. It’s a kidney infection. My shrink asks me why I’m so pissed. Fuck her.

Anyway, this office was built back in the 50’s and was redecorated as recently as 1982. Soft beiges, 2-dimensional landscape art in pastels, mismatched chairs in the waiting room, flower runner wallpaper in the bathroom. Coupled with the out-of-date notebooks, binders, files, and carpet pattern, I wonder: Is their medical knowledge also outdated?

It was and it wasn’t.

Although I was very well cared for, the dr.’s bucket of resources was shallow.The bottom line, I need antibiotics. “They might just save your life,” he says, after handing me the 10-day prescription. Dr. Whitecoat deflects the cynical comments with a reassuring, “They’re no big deal. I give another patient of mine a prescription every time she has sex.”

Three questions: 1. Does she schedule sex or have an out-of-town boyfriend? 2. Does she fulfill her prescription at Costco and leave it on the bedside table? 3. Is there anything else that she can do, besides taking antibiotics 2-3 times a week? (Citation: National average of times per week an adult has sex.)

Two thoughts: 1. She must be here in the office a lot. 2. Maybe it’s his wife.

One solution: Update your medical knowledge, Buddy! Antibiotics were so the rage when they were invented in the 1800’s, but since then, there has been an onslaught of health options and alternatives that – unfortunately for you – involve intellectual and worldly evolution beyond 1983.

The theory is that our environment is a reflection of us. No one treats a cave dweller like a king, right.

So. This has inspired me to offer a visit to any doctor’s office in Southern California for a Madame Chi Feng Shui Kick Ass consultation. Of course there are asterisks and clauses, most involving promises to obey my brilliance in a timely manner.

A patient has got to have her standards.

Add Some Life to Your Life

floor-smallLook around your house. Dead plants, rotting fruit, neglected pets? How dare you! Better to have no plants at all than a dying plant. Best to eat out if the veggies go bad before you get to sink your teeth into them. Best to love the pet, or don’t get one at all.

Silk plants are fine, and you’ve got to keep them clean. Just hose them off in the shower once a month. Dried plants are fine as long as they’re up and out of way AND no more than 3 months old. After this, they fall apart and make a big fat mess that you probably won’t clean up either.