Sexy Doctor’s Office

I was at the doctor’s office today. No, it’s not contagious. It never was. Fine. It’s a kidney infection. My shrink asks me why I’m so pissed. Fuck her.

Anyway, this office was built back in the 50’s and was redecorated as recently as 1982. Soft beiges, 2-dimensional landscape art in pastels, mismatched chairs in the waiting room, flower runner wallpaper in the bathroom. Coupled with the out-of-date notebooks, binders, files, and carpet pattern, I wonder: Is their medical knowledge also outdated?

It was and it wasn’t.

Although I was very well cared for, the dr.’s bucket of resources was shallow.The bottom line, I need antibiotics. “They might just save your life,” he says, after handing me the 10-day prescription. Dr. Whitecoat deflects the cynical comments with a reassuring, “They’re no big deal. I give another patient of mine a prescription every time she has sex.”

Three questions: 1. Does she schedule sex or have an out-of-town boyfriend? 2. Does she fulfill her prescription at Costco and leave it on the bedside table? 3. Is there anything else that she can do, besides taking antibiotics 2-3 times a week? (Citation: National average of times per week an adult has sex.)

Two thoughts: 1. She must be here in the office a lot. 2. Maybe it’s his wife.

One solution: Update your medical knowledge, Buddy! Antibiotics were so the rage when they were invented in the 1800’s, but since then, there has been an onslaught of health options and alternatives that – unfortunately for you – involve intellectual and worldly evolution beyond 1983.

The theory is that our environment is a reflection of us. No one treats a cave dweller like a king, right.

So. This has inspired me to offer a visit to any doctor’s office in Southern California for a Madame Chi Feng Shui Kick Ass consultation. Of course there are asterisks and clauses, most involving promises to obey my brilliance in a timely manner.

A patient has got to have her standards.

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